Part 1 of 2 : Reflections on my Relationship with the Causeway

Concert Review in Part 2

It is fair to say that I have been to many recitals, shows, concerts and performances in my life, for many different reasons. In search of entertainment, to support friends, to grade and evaluate students, to perfom, to enjoy the company of friends etc. the list goes on and on.

I went into this concert with the intention of supporting my husband, who has written an original piece for the choir. I've been to many such concerts, for such a reason, and every time it's the same outcome: I am the supportive wife clapping enthusiastically for him everytime the piece finishes, feeling mighty proud of him and his achievements in our music circle.

This time, it was different.

I came out of the concert red nosed, teary-eyed, moved beyond my own abilities to describe just how moved I was. This blog post is my attempt to figure it out, more a personal exercise to figure out what is going on in my head, and why I reacted the way I did during this particular concert.

To begin, I must start from the beginning. Zhangyi tells me that he has been asked to write a piece for a choir in Johor. Johor? Why does he have a project like that all of a sudden. Yuxin, a friend who has previously written about Zhangyi for Lianhe Zaobao, has reached out to him to write for the choir he sings for in JB. ZY quipped excitedly that "we could go to JB for their rehearsals and have a weekend trip there!"

That's a nice idea, after all, all I really know about JB is that, my family always stops at Jusco in Tebrau City to buy clothes and eat lunch on the way to visit my Malaysia grandparents.

I grew up with many assumptions about the people and friends around me. I have always assumed that everyone in Singapore has relatives in Malaysia. Because I do.

My father is a Malaysian, who came to Singapore for his university studies in NUS. He became a Singaporean during Singapore's 33rd birthday, which was quite a while ago. My dad's family is truly Malaysian, Johor Malaysians who lived in Pengerang, Johor, where he grew up. Now, the family is scattered across Johor Bahru and west/east sides of Singapore (me being the east-side of SG).

Singapore is merely a bridge away from Malaysia, surely everyone has relatives there right? Uncles, aunts, grand-relatives, great-grand-relatives. They must have originated from Malaysia. I asked my students once, during Chinese New Year celebrations in school, if they had relatives in Malaysia that they have to go visit, they looked at me with a puzzled expression like they did not understand my question. It seems like they were going to 拜年 for the three days of CNY. Only Ms Wynne the weirdo is escaping across the Causeway when the bell rings to try to avoid the traffic jam.

Another thing that I only learned after I got married. 拜年. I have never ever 拜年 in my life until I got married to Zhangyi. Before that, Chinese New Year was spent staying at my grandparents place in Pengerang. Playing with my cousins who came from all over: JB, KL, Pahang, Singapore.

We stayed there, in the shophouse, playing, chatting, catching up, playing with fire crackerrs, pop-pops that explode when it hits the floor, eating, watching tv etc. We didn't go from house to house to visit. All the families gathered and stayed in one place all three days. And then, we rode in the car and jammed at the Causeway back home to SG.

When I was young, my passport was filled with stamps from the Malaysian customs. When I travelled overseas with my friends, I had the passport with the most used pages - I went to Pengerang every long weekend we had, to visit my grandparents.

And I assumed everyone did what I did, because that was all I have known. The year I had to 拜年 for the first time, I cried. Everything felt so foreign and different. You mean we have to go from house to house to house to visit all your relatives? Why don't they converge in one spot? Don't you have relatives in Malaysia?

"No we don't."

That was news to me. My students too, with the exception of just ONE student (Xinjie that's you), the rest did not have relatives in Malaysia.

I felt my worldview shifting and I saw things differently now.

I tried to recall my paternal and maternal family trees. My dad's family, all of them are from Malaysia. My mom's side was from Ipoh but she was born in Singapore. Am I more Malaysian than Singaporean?

Back to Zhangyi's idea about going to JB for a weekend trip. You would think that because I have family in Johor and more recently, now in JB too, that I would be so familiar with the area, but I'm not.

I'm more familiar with Pengerang, where it used to be a 2 hour car ride from the Causeway. I know where all the shops are, where the Marrybrown is, where the cake shop is, and which restaurants had servers and cooks that still recognised my father.

But JB? I had to rely on my colleagues to send me food recommendations. Trendy cafes, instagrammable spots, must-try dim sum restaurants etc. The JB that I know, are where my relatives live, where I used to go to buy illegal VCDs, GameBoy Color cartridges, phone casings that transforms the look of my Nokia 8250 into a Nokia 7250.

I had a selective and limited knowledge of JB, just snippets from my childhood. I am not the 地头蛇 that I am supposed to be, despite going to and through JB so often when I was young.

The prospect of travelling to JB now, as an adult! For a project! That sounds so fun. Then came the flood of JB recommendations from my friends again. You must try this! You must go there! Again, I am clueless about all these places. I'm reminded again of how little I know about a place that I supposedly go to a lot.

So what IS my identity? Though half-Malaysian by blood, technically, I've never identified as a Johorian or felt a sense of belonging to Johor. And to me, Johor Bahru was never the destination, just a checkpoint to get to where my grandparents lived. But for this project, JB IS the destination. I am so proud of my Pengerang heritage, but would JB still welcome this Singaporean who is a "fake" half-Malaysian? 新山还会欢迎我吗?

Are we siblings or cousins? My dad's siblings and my cousins are in JB, KL etc. Are Singapore and Johor siblings or cousins?